JUST IN: Mutant 300-tooth snakehead shark proves the ocean is another dimension

An ancient shark with 300 teeth was caught by scientists off the coast of Portugal. The shark is from the age of the dinosaurs and was found swimming off the coast. Researchers accidentally caught the shark while researching ways to minimize unwanted catches in fish nets.

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Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

This is what nightmares are made of. This is where the stories of sea serpents come from. They’re not fake, they’re completely real. An 80-million year old shark with a snakehead? Count me in for never going in the ocean near Portugal. Or anywhere else for that matter. Give me a nice, safe, freezing cold Lake Michigan in the heat of the summer. I’ll gladly take a minor case of the swimmer’s itch to avoid these mutants.

“Scientists believe the frilled shark has remained the same, both inside and out, since the Cretaceous Period.” – National Geographic

So basically they are indestructible. Great. Fantastic.

If this is where Global Warming is getting us everybody better take notice. Are these beasts becoming unfrozen after millions of years preserved in arctic ice and about to wreak havoc in our oceans? Seems like a stretch but I’m not taking any chances. Either that or we still just have no damn clue what is actually swimming in the sea.

This is why I am a land guy 100% of the time. There is no body of water beautiful or warm enough for me to risk getting a limb chomped off by Jaws. And now we’re finding 6-foot sharks with 300 teeth we’ve never seen before just cruising along the coast?

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Yes, I know there are only 19 shark attacks per year in the United States while lightning legitimately kills 41 people per year. But that doesn’t mean you’ll find me out playing by the big tree in a lightning storm just because the odds are in my favor. Anytime a chance of an excruciating death is involved in having a little fun you can count me out. I’ll stay in the sand thank you very much.

In the shark capital of the world, New Smyrna Beach, Florida, anyone who has swum there has likely been within 10 feet of a shark, according to National Geographic. In any stretch of the ocean it’s estimated a shark is within 50 yards of you at any moment. It just feels like a wildly unnecessary risk to go out in the ocean at all at this point.

It feels 10 times riskier now that the Demogorgon from Stranger Things was found in our waters.

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Is the ocean the Upside Down? The portal to another dimension? Is there a reason we can’t breathe in water or survive under immense water pressure other than lack of oxygen? What are they hiding down there? Those are the questions we need answers to. The ocean is simply another dimension. Whether there’s a meteor or nuclear war on the surface that dimension will be just fine.

At least 95% of Earth’s ocean is unknown by humans. Imagine what’s really swimming down there in the murky depths. Imagine the caves and taverns and tunnels and crazy killer mutant sharks we are missing.

Shark Week 2018 is going to be wild. Maybe we’ll finally get a new show or study instead of the same Air Jaws shots from 12 years ago.

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