JUST IN: Classic Lions rip our hearts out for the billionth time

What happened today was what some like to describe as “Classic Lions.”

At every turn the Lions are prepared to sabotage the game so perfectly that it shatters the morale of the metro Detroit area for the next week. In every corporate elevator in Detroit tomorrow you will hear some Joe Shmoe crack the old “Hey, how ’bout them Lions?!” And every person in that elevator will inherently have thoughts of strangling that person before going about another miserable Monday.

That’s the thing about Lions’ losses. They lose in fashions that are incomprehensible to the average fan.

The Lions had three (3) defensive holding penalties in a row at one point. End result of that drive was a Cowboys touchdown.

The Lions make a HUGE stop in a critical moment on third down and short yardage for the Cowboys. PSYCHE. The right defensive end LINED UP OFFSIDES to give the Cowboys an automatic first down and eventual score.

As if losing on a last second field goal to the Cowboys to send the Lions to 1-3 wasn’t bad enough, Lions’ fans were forced to watch the camera pan to this man a million times during the game:

The head coach of the Lions from 2006-08 who led them to a 10-38 record over three seasons, including the debacle that was the winless 2008 season. 0-16. You cannot get any worse. Simply impossible. Meanwhile, the FOX TV broadcast announcers were discussing how Rod Marinelli is one of the all-time great football geniuses and a master of player development. Meanwhile, Ezekiel Elliot is getting covered out of the backfield by a slow linebacker and nabs a 34-yard reception to set up the game-winning field goal.

This is the type of thing that has given Lions’ fans nightmares for the past 50 years. It’s one thing to be perennial losers like the Cleveland Browns (although they appear to be a changed team with Baker Mayfield this year) who just get destroyed and give their fans no hope ever. But the Lions give the fans just enough hope to the point where they believe the team has turned the corner, then they rip your heart out. From the Calvin Johnson rule to the picked up flag against the Cowboys in the 2015 playoffs to lining up offsides on critical third downs, the Lions defy the odds with their creativity in losing.

The Lions continue to defy the logics of football. Will they always be losers? Many thought this was the year they would shake that perception. Then they lost to the Jets by 30 on the opening Monday Night Football. I cancelled the season.

Then they lost to the San Francisco 49ers. I’m classic Lions fashion, after falling down 30-13 in the game, they scored consecutive touchdowns to make it 30-27. Giving fans just enough hope before Theo Riddick dropped two easy passes in what would’ve been a game-winning drive.

Heading to New England basically every pundit in America had the Patriots as double-digit winners against the Lions. But if you watched that game and had to guess which team was in the Super Bowl last year, your answer would be the Lions. There is not a single thing in this universe that the Lions could have done against the Patriots to give more hope. Not just winning, but dominating the five time Super Bowl champions and reigning AFC Champions in every facet of the game.

There can be no true despair without hope, and the Lions consistency give the fans just enough to make it hell on Earth. It’s like being in the desert, seeing a lake, walking miles in the scorching heat only to find it was a mirage the whole time. It’s just mentally jarring.

So, let’s not pretend like this team is anything special. All the Lions have done this season is further prove that they will forever be a dumpster fire.

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