JUST NOW: This Chicago Artisanal Chocolatier is NOT welcome in Detroit

CHICAGO — Local small-batch chocolate maker Wayne Barnes, concerned that Detroit will complete an economic recovery before he can relocate there, launched a fundraising effort today to expedite his move, sources close to the young entrepreneur confirmed.

“I was psyched when I heard the stories: abandoned houses, garbage-covered roads, coffee shops setting up in empty lots. It sounded so real, you know?” said Barnes, who produces sea-salt chocolate from his studio apartment, where he also blogs and writes poetry. “But then I heard the city is starting to improve — and that could be a huge setback.” – TheHardTimes.net

Did you hear that? Psyched about abandoned houses and the city of Detroit improving is a “huge setback.” Raise your hand if you plan on donating to this bum. I can’t see you but I’m just going to assume you didn’t raise your hand because this guy is a total joke of a human being. And just when you think you can’t hate this person any more than you already do:

Financial considerations have reportedly been his largest barrier.

“I’m selling my chocolate in three coffee shops now, and I sold a poem to a zine last year, but what’s slowing things down is that my trust fund only pays out monthly,” said Barnes, refreshing his IndieGoGo page. “So I started this crowdfunding campaign where people in Detroit can donate to bring my high quality chocolate to their community. Hopefully they’ll understand the importance of supporting a small business.”

You mean to tell me an ARTISINAL CHOCOLATIER with a trust fund is seeking donations from the people of Chicago in order to move to Detroit so he can personally profit off of the city’s recovery and incoming economic boom (as shown by NPR just before the New Year)? All the while the Chicago public school system is in turmoil and the gun violence in the city is notorious throughout the country. So why would ANYBODY in their right mind even let the possibility of donating to this loser cross their mind when they could donate to any number of noble causes (such as Bridge Communities, Greater Chicago Food Dispensary, PAWS Chicago, Northern Illinois Food Bank) or a politician that could potentially bring positive change to the community?

This guy is out of his mind for even attempting to accept “donations” to move cities. He says “my trust fund only pays out monthly” like that means he’s in great hardship and you should donate him more free money he did absolutely no work for. Wasting trust fund money on a failing artisanal chocolate shop sounds exactly like what somebody with a trust fund who has never had to work for anything in their lives would do. The more I think about it, how did this guy get interviewed for an article in the first place?

The Hard News website describes their content as, “Punk News Comin’ Your Way!” That should be the first red-flag right there. I’m not entirely sure what constitutes as “Punk News” in the streets nowadays but I am absolutely POSITIVE that “Punk News” does not include “Artisanal Chocolatiers.” If an artisanal chocolatier is considered punk then consider me Miles Davis.

miles davis gif

That’s hipster news, pal. And correct me if I’m wrong but the last time I checked the hipster and punk communities had differing interests. But if they are combining forces then we are all in big, big trouble. Imagine these crazy-swinging-glow dancers joining powers with vegans and artisanal chocolatiers?

goth dance party gif.gif

They might come out on top in a post-Apocalyptic scenario. How much chocolate and avocados would the glow-dancers be able to produce with arm speed like that? Enough to outlast everybody in the world, that’s a guarantee.

It’s actually sad that I’m giving this guy so much publicity because when you actually google “Wayne Barnes chocolate” all that pops up is this article about how he wants Detroit to keep failing until he can scheme enough money off people to move his chocolate operation right above an English international union referee and barrister Wayne Barnes.

We can now add chocolatier Wayne Barnes to Detroit’s Mortal Enemies list. If you read this Wayne, stay out of Detroit. There’s no room for you here. We have Bon Bon Bon and that’s all we need.

The city of Detroit had a perfect response:

“Since coming out of bankruptcy, we have resumed city services and gotten to work rebuilding our crumbled neighborhoods. The city is taking on a new life,” said city representative Sally Worthington. “I want to extend my deepest sympathies to any hipsters who didn’t arrive in time. We are sorry to report that the future is bright here in Detroit.”

His crowdfunding has reached $73 of his $20,000 goal. Probably safe to say we won’t be seeing this guy in the Motor City anytime soon.

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